Falling … Down! Down! Down!
Its been a long hard year +. From the moment the car slammed into my cars’ sedentary rear-end, on that gray November afternoon on 15th Ave NE. It could have been brewing beforehand. But that seems to be the culminating moment. The initial finger flick. The universe screaming, reaching out in three dimensions … things must change! Boom! Crash! I needed to be shaken, not stirred! Trying in its cosmic way to dislodge the cobwebs. The lethargy. The disinterest. The malaise. Smashing into the first domino in a long line. Ready to fall. In. Painful. Slow. Motion.
It’s not something that was instantaneous as “the incident”. It’s been tortuously slow in coming. Event after the event. The weight and force causing the next to start its journey downward. Intentional or not. The dominoes keep falling. Health. Down! Relationship. Down! Recovery. Down! Business. Down! Money. Down! Joe. Down! I keep looking over my shoulder to see if another is to fall and crush me completely. Finally.
It’s a hard way to live. Problem is, am I still falling? Have I reached my “bottom”? Or is this the motion of life … to be in constant free-fall. I don’t know. Yet. I’m still trying to absorb all that happened and happening.
But if I am the last domino, and I have been felled, my only job is to get out from under the weight of the blackness above me. To find a way to jettison each tile, each burden, the hubris, the detritus, still holding me down. I’m only human. Not a superhero able to send all that debris flying in all directions with one enormous burst of power and energy. That’s fantasy. Heroes are for those who can’t believe in the power of self.
Do I? Do I believe in me? I’m not sure. What I am sure of? I must do this. I must make the changes. My life certainly is not working the way it is, or has. Something needs to give. Something needs to change. And since I can only change myself. There in lies the answer? Not some self-help laden touch-feely crap. Honest to goodness, gut-wrenching change. Am I capable? Yes. I’ve survived worse. But this time, I also realize, I may need to ask others for help, and learn how to accept that help, without feeling like … less. So here I go again.
This is the first time I’ve really voiced what’s going on, beyond the accident and health updates, in public. I have a hell of a lot to work through. And it has to be done rapidly. I had $35,000.00 of personal injury insurance. In a years worth of treatments, doctors, MRIs, physical therapy … Gone! When my ex partner and I finally finish short selling our condo (if we ever do) and we move on … so goes my health insurance. My business is finished, the universe and economy saw to that. No amount of advertising could resuscitate it. I haven’t had a paycheck in 2 months and am scraping bottom. I’m in debt beyond belief, with no quick fix in sight.
This is what I have been keeping in. I now have to look for a full time job. Maybe that’s a good thing. I’d get a recurring paycheck and benefits, including insurance. No more making my own hours. Working for someone else. Working in a corporation? It’s a change … big time! It’s something I really need to wrap my head around. As are all the things going on around me. My left shoulder, after 12 weeks out from surgery is not feeling much better, and for that matter, worse off than it was before. The pain has just shifted from one place to others. Still not strong enough to lift it on my own without major pain. And I still need to get the other one done? I don’t know if I have it in me.
I’m in need of a miracle. A miracle of strength, perseverance, and a job! Now! But a general purpose miracle would work too. ‘Tis the season … isn’t it?
Otherwise I’m still looking over my (injured) shoulder, dominoes falling. Down! Down! Down!